2013 was rubbish wasn't it? It started off really great and full of clichéd promises that this year would "be different" and this year would "be your year". None of them came true, the year is over and everything is just as pitifully rubbish as it was before. Just me?
For me January started off really awesome. University was great, there were super exciting new people in my life, everything was perfect. But I don't really think life ever works out like that and cracks always begin to show no matter how pretty you paint over them. I struggled a lot during the summer. I had been told to make friends and get along with my classmates and fall in love and then it was suddenly whisked away from me for a very long 5 month summer. I know that seems like such a tiny problem but I noticed that life away from home probably wasn't as pretty as my rose tinted glasses had told me they were.
When I moved back to Uni in September I was miserable. Miserable like I'd never felt before. People who I had valued the most in the previous months were now the one's who were nowhere to be found. Look through my drafted (but thankfully never published) blogposts and there are many a whiney ramble. I sat there and I thought 2013 has taught me things. It has taught me:
1. There is no such thing as being in love
2. You can't trust anyone
3. Everyone will leave at some point
4. Even your best is never good enough
For at least a month, I was ridiculous. I cried. A lot. I thank my flatmates a million times for not slapping me when I was so downright rude and ungrateful and full of my own wallowing sadness.
I don't really know what snapped me out of my miserableness. I think one day I was trudging somewhere in the rain and I just thought "God, this is boring. All this being miserable, all this being angry at people and refusing to move on in my life is so incredibly boring". I carried on trudging through the rain (my walk home from uni is particularly grim) and thought about the things I thought 2013 had taught me and I thought about all the brilliant things that had happened whilst the rubbish stuff was distracting me. All the times I laughed until I thought I was going to die, all the interesting conversations I'd had, all the essay marks that had made me proud, all the nice food I'd eaten, all the songs I'd sung along to, all the books I'd read, all the friends who had picked me up when I'd drunkenly fallen over in the street. I started to rewrite my 2013 lessons:
1. There's no such thing as being in love (I kinda stand by this) but that doesn't mean you can't show someone kindness and friendship and caring when they need to see it. That's way more important than being in love with them.
2. You can't trust...everyone. Yeah some people are arses who will break all their promises but trusting someone isn't a conscious decision and before you know it you'll be sharing your secrets with someone you least expected. Roll with it. The quiet bit of my brain always knows best.
3. Everyone will leave at some point...but that just makes room for super fun new people. And hopefully they'll stick around a bit longer.
4. Even your best is never good enough for some people. But from now I'm going to measure my best by what's good enough for me not what's good enough for everyone else. It's MY best...not theirs.
So Facebook keeps nudging me to look at my "Review of 2013". Well I don't want to. I don't care about it anymore I just want to look forward. I've got new places to go and new people to make laugh and the places I felt I didn't belong last year or the people who made me cry last year...they're just blips on my map of brilliance. I was always too good for them anyway!
Maybe none of these words will make any sense to anyone else, really this is just a note to future me. Please future me, remember to be happy in yourself because you're alright sometimes - you've never needed anyone else to tell you that.
2014's gonna be fucking awesome mate.